Word of the Month: LOVE

I am reading Brene Brown’s, The Gifts of Imperfection, and there is a chapter about love and belonging that was really eye-opening. It was eye-opening because it made me think deeply about the meaning of love and how it has many definitions, depending on who you ask. Have you ever thought of the true definition of love? Not Webster's definition, that tends to be generic, but the true definition. Maybe an even better question is: how do you measure love? Is it even measurable? Lots of questions to really think about.

This was important to me because love can hurt, love can make you happy, love can make you sad, and/or mad. Love brings out emotions and memories. Like, why did the men in my life mistreat me, abuse me, and cause me so much pain, all in the name of love? Why did I think that that was love? This all connects to the way love relates to belonging, because if we truly belong in a relationship, then we would think we belong. Our ideas would matter. Your input would matter. Your feelings would matter. And sometimes we push ourselves to belong in spaces that aren’t meant for us because love is simply not there and we can’t see it,

Why can't we see? I feel that we can't see the lack of love of belonging because of the lack of love we have for ourselves. We are so focused on looking for love in others that we forget about the most important person—which is yourself. This is the whole reason why I started Love You First Journey, because how do we expect to be loved and receive love if we are not getting love from ourselves first? How can we create our definition of love if we cannot define it for ourselves?

When I think of love, I think about how my husband swept me off and made me feel seen. Now, I'm not going to lie, I definitely had my guard up because sometimes things seem “too good to be true.” This time it just felt different. He respected me in ways I always desired. For the first time I could authentically be myself without having to convince him of my value and worth. Another way I think of love is a mother’s love for her child.  My mother is probably one of the strongest people I know. What she has endured in her persistence to keep going, no matter what hardships she faces, is admirable. She would do anything for me and my siblings, and would never let anyone say anything negative about us without catching the Mama Ndiaye fire. She taught me how to keep my head up and how to keep pushing through, even when all odds are against you. She also taught me how to have faith in Allah. This is love because she loves us unconditionally and she continues to show us how we deserve to be loved. 

In Brene Brown’s book, she talks about how love is “not something we give or get, it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them—we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.” Love, in general, is a concept that produces incredible vulnerability. It takes courage to do it, especially with ourselves. We live in a society where we are expected to give, give, and give ever more, in hopes that we will receive even an ounce of what we have given. Why do we do that?! Self-love must be a priority, a necessity, and should be a deep desire. Loving yourself is not vanity. It shows other people a path towards loving themselves. And it shows other people how you want to be loved. How can you love other people without authentically loving who you are?

Self-love, and love in general, is a courageous journey. It is a loving armor in this hard, cold world. And it is empowering. For this month I want you to truly build a relationship with yourself. I want you to really cultivate a deeper meaning for what your relationship is built upon. Talk to yourself as you would someone you love. Be vulnerable and honest with yourself. I truly believe starting a relationship with yourself is one of the first things humans must do in their lives. When you are certain of and confident in who you are, no one can tell you anything to the contrary. You will attract the group of people, your community, who are meant to be in your close circle. You will not be bothered by people who don’t like you, or find you “intimidating.” You will be comfortable in your own skin, and that is a phenomenal feeling.

As you're going through this journey, remember to be kind and give yourself grace, because love is not easy. Love can hurt you. Even break you. But love can also build you up and make you stronger.