Once a Month: Why I Choose to Stay

Once a month, I feel like disappearing.

Not because I want to… but because the weight of this world tries to fold me into corners I was never meant to fit in.

That’s how my poem “Once a Month” was born—out of the rawest truth I could name. Every month, like clockwork, I spiral out of control. It’s like my emotions go from “we got this” to “girl, where’s the exit sign?”—all thanks to that one beautiful, complicated, frustrating thing called my menstrual cycle.

For a whole year, I noticed this pattern. It wasn’t just a mood swing; it was a falling swing. Every month, I’d hit this really low place where I didn’t want to exist, where disappearing seemed easier than feeling so heavy. And listen—this isn’t about wanting attention or drama; it’s about being human, being a woman, and being in a body that sometimes moves with emotions bigger than life itself.

The Moment I Started Naming It

For the last three months, I’ve been working on catching myself when the spiral starts. It’s wild how powerful self-awareness is. When I named it, some of its power over me was lost. Instead of saying, “Why am I like this?” I started saying, “Okay, I see what’s happening. Let’s handle it differently this time.”

I leaned into meditation, journaling, and repeating affirmations like my life depended on it (because honestly, sometimes it did). And every time I wanted to disappear, I’d whisper to myself, “No, my love. You were not made to shrink. You were not made for silence. You were not made to be anybody’s shadow.”

These practices don’t make the feelings disappear, but they remind me that I get to choose how I respond.

I’m Still Healing, and That’s Okay

Here’s the honest truth: I’m still on this journey. I’m still looking for a therapist. I still have days when the heaviness feels overwhelming. Healing is not a perfect straight line; it’s messy, emotional, and sometimes exhausting. But it’s also beautiful. Because even when my hormones get wild, I remember—this is still me. This is still Maty. And all of me, even the once-a-month wobbly parts, deserves love.

For the Women Who Doubt Themselves

This blog is for every woman who doubts herself, questions her worth, or feels invisible. Maybe for you it’s not once a month—maybe it’s every day. Maybe you’re carrying burdens no one else can see. If that’s you, I want you to know this:

I see you. I feel you. I hear you.

We are in this together. Healing is not a race; it’s a journey, and every chapter—no matter how dark—is a lesson preparing you for the light.

The universe has us. Always. It will never put us through something we can’t handle, even when it feels impossible. And every time I think about disappearing, I choose to stay. I choose to speak. I choose to burn bright and tell my story—because disappearing was never part of my design.

If You’re Feeling This Too

• Name it: Sometimes giving your emotions a name takes away their power.

• Journal it out: Let it live on paper instead of in your mind.

• Breathe: A 5-minute meditation or even just deep breathing can shift everything.

• Affirm yourself: Remind yourself, “I am here. I am whole. I am worthy.”

• Ask for help: Therapy, a trusted friend, a community—don’t go through it alone.

So, to every woman out there who feels heavy, invisible, or like they need to disappear—you are not alone. You were made to rise, to speak, and to shine, even when the world tries to dim your light.

And if no one else tells you today: I’m proud of you for staying.